


Midnight Capriccios

by denatured



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Bickering, Crack Fic, Domestic Antics, F/M, Fluff and Smut, I am here to deliver what nobody asked for, Iceberg Lounge Angst, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:40:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28488459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denatured/pseuds/denatured
Summary: Pam invites Harley & Joker over to the Iceberg Lounge for the annual New Year's Eve bash 'n' gash. Harley convinces Joker to "live a little" and enjoy the evening, but it seems like he has other plans to end the year.**01/02/20: Updated Author's Note**
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Fluff, smut, and silliness to start off 2021- hope you enjoy my first Nolanverse crack fic! Experimenting with different themes and styles as I prepare to start writing longer pieces in the coming weeks.
> 
> Updated Author's Note, 01/02/20: Hugs to everyone who's read so far- thank you so much! I thought that I'd give you folks context for my style and direction in this piece. The greatest source of inspiration for the tone and content of my writing comes from the former Alex Snape on ff.net. If you haven't read her work, here's a link: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1659385/Alex-Snape. I just adore how she injects humor and realism into her fics, and bringing humor back into the Nolanverse- even in a crack fic- is something that I strive to do! The work "Killing Time" by pristineungift is also a heavy source of inspiration since she perfectly snapshots Joker's inner monologue in a way that's true to TDK canon. 
> 
> I chose to run with a crack fic format because it's really just a fever dream. I wanted to have free rein to be downright ridiculous since I haven't seen any crack fics in the Nolanverse so far. Here goes nothin'.

“No, Pam, I didn’t tell ‘im yet,” Harley sighed as she adjusted the cordless phone against her ear and slowly began to mix the pancake batter.

“But _why_?” Pam asked, “ _Everyone_ is coming tonight. I,” she paused, “…just thought that he’d _want_ to be there.”

“Eh, I don’t know, he’s been outta sorts lately. I don’t wanna spring this on ‘im and then-“ Harley paused as she heard the lock turn on the apartment door.

“Baby girl, I swear if he’s trying to pull his-“ Pam started as Harley promptly pulled the phone from between her ear and shoulder and ended the called with a _click_. She tossed the phone onto the couch and resumed mixing.

Joker pushed open the door and slammed it shut with his heel. He slid into the studio, shimming out of his overcoat and suit jacket and sloppily placing them on the dusty radiator. He sat on their bed, and the mattress creaked loudly. He yanked off his shoes and socks and loosened his olive-green tie. He sat back and closed his eyes as he rolled his shoulders. He grunted and twisted his neck with a loud _pop_.

“Mornin’, baby,” Harley said quietly as she continued mixing at the kitchen counter. Joker looked up at her, his warpaint smudged comically over his tired features. He staggered over to the counter and leaned heavily over it, peering into her mixing bowl. He hummed approvingly.

“Your favorite,” Harley looked up at him with a lopsided smile. Joker smirked, his cake-smudged eyes catching hers. “You _sure_ know how to make a guy feel wanted around here,” he said.

“That’s my job, Pud.” After a pause, Harley asked “how was the job last night?”

Joker raised his brows thoughtfully and resumed staring at Harley’s childish hands as she thoroughly mixed the pancake batter. He tongued the back of his teeth and clicked his tongue. “Business is, uh, _tough_ this time of year,” he said finally.

“Oh, I bet, Daddy,” Harley said. She reached under the counter and pulled open a drawer of miscellaneous weapons and cooking spices, digging for her bag of chocolate chips. She pulled it out and plopped it on the counter. Joker’s eyes darted to the bag.

“Chocolate chips?” she asked. Joker looked at her, and with a deep frown, nodded sheepishly.

“You got it,” she laughed as she opened the bag and began generously pouring it into the batter.

“Hey, _hey_ , stop,” Joker said with a huff, “that’s too much, it’s gonna to go to my hips.” He pushed Harley’s hand away from the bowl, causing chocolate chips to spill and bounce all over the kitchen floor.

“Aw, _c’mon_ , J, look whatcha made me do,” Harley said, slightly annoyed. She put the batter aside and bent down to scoop up the chocolate chips on the floor before the mice caught whiff of them.

“ _You’re_ the one tryna fatten me up like ca _tt_ le for auction, Harls,” Joker sneered, sticking a paint-coated finger in the batter and stealing a taste as Harley picked up the chips. He clicked his tongue. “Ya getta woman, and all she wants ta do is _feed_ you like a fuckin’ baby.”

“Yeah?” Harley said as she popped up, the handful of chips in her hand. “Well, fuck you _and_ your pancakes, J,” Harley threw the chips in Joker’s face.

She stood there and held her breath, eyes wide, suddenly realizing what she just did. She slowly backed away from the counter, her back hitting the fridge.

Joker looked down and sucked the inside of his cheek, nodding. Harley could see him seething, his tightly wound seams ready to snap. “Mm,” he hummed, “you know, I _really_ should hurt you for that, _dear_.” He looked up at her and slowly swaggered around the counter. He towered over her, and she looked up at him. “After all I do for _us_ \- I get wha _t_ ever you wan _t_ , I _fuck_ you, I put this roof over your empty,” he grabbed the sides of her face, squishing her cheeks with his calloused palms, “li _tt_ le head. And _this_ is what you do to thank me, huh?” Harley continued to look up at him, her freshly manicured brows furrowed.

“What was that?” Joker asked sarcastically, leaning in, “couldn’ _t_ hear you.”

Harley reached up, pulled his hands away from her face, and pushed him back against the counter. The mixing bowl slid onto the ground, batter splattering all over the floor. She walked over to him, tip-toed and slid her arms around his neck. In one fluid motion, he reached down to grab her thighs as she straddled him tightly. She kissed him hard on the mouth. He responded urgently, his tongue sliding messily against hers, his scars scraping her cheeks. He turned her around and plopped her on the counter as he quickly pulled off his tie and unbuttoned his vest. “You got _no_ respect, little _bunny_ ,” he growled as he fingered the buttons of his dress shirt. She smirked and pulled him closer with her legs, her toes curling behind him. “You gonna teach me some _manners_ , Mistah J?”

“I’ll do more than tha _t_ ,” he said as he scooped her up and kissed her, stumbling over to their secondhand mattress.


	2. Deux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut and bickering, smut and bickering, smut and bickering.

Harley blinked as she felt herself wake up. She could see the sun setting between the gaps in the window shade, twilight shining into the room. The radiator sighed and whistled. She moaned sleepily and felt Joker’s grip tighten around her. “Baby,” she stirred, suddenly feeling a pang of familiar soreness in between her legs, “we gonna get up or what?”

Joker grunted and buried his face into her shoulder, pressing himself against her. He coiled his legs around hers. “Come on, I’m hungry,” Harley whined softly, feeling his length against her lower back. “Don’t care,” he mumbled back.

Harley closed her eyes in annoyance. She curled into him, and he slid one of his hands down the curve of her growling stomach and slowly began to rub her tender clit. Harley bit her lip. “ _C’mon_ , J, we got _things_ to do,” Harley forced out as she reluctantly bucked against his fingers as they began to quicken their pace.

“Uh-huh,” Joker said lazily, nipping her shoulder. He forced two fingers into her, and she yelped in surprise.

Joker rolled on top of her, pumping his fingers knuckle-deep into her. He felt her tighten around him and hummed with smirk, “things like _this_?” He curled his fingers, his nails tugging at her. Harley squirmed, hissing. He pressed his mouth against hers, and she moaned in protest. She sharply pulled away and turned her head. He promptly began sucking the soft spot behind her jaw. “Jack,” she panted, “aren’t we gonna go to this party tonight, huh?” She closed her eyes briefly and relished in the feeling of his fingers before he stopped abruptly. 

He pulled away from her and positioned himself. “What are you talkin’ about?”

He pushed into her. “ _Fuck_ ,” Harley cried out. Her exhausted legs wrapped loosely around his hips as he steadily thrusted into her. She slid a hand into his mossy strands and tugged tightly, feeling herself slipping deeper with every snap of his hips.

“Mmph,” he hummed as he held himself above her, “looks like you forgot about your _party_ ,” he said, leaning in and roughly biting her cheek. She whimpered as he slid a hand down to roughly rub her clit. She turned her head back to him, her vision blurred. He kissed her deeply, muffling her as his pace became frantic.

The room was coated in darkness now that the sun had set, the only light coming from the red glow of the digital alarm clock and the flickering bulb in the kitchen. Her other arm wrapped like a vice around him, and Harley felt herself beginning to crash. “More,” she whimpered hoarsely into his mouth, “I-I’m close.”

He chuckled throatily, “patience is, _uh_ , what do they call it?” he said as he pulled away from her, sliding off the bed and holding her trembling thighs open. He quickly sank into her at deeper angle, resuming his pace. Harley cried loudly and gripped the sweat-stained sheets as her body shook each time he collided into her. “What do they call it, Harley?” he asked, his voice low, strained as he felt himself getting closer. He slowed slightly, leaning down to tongue her breasts, sucking and biting messily. His spit and greasepaint smeared over her chest as he pulled away and quickened his pace. “Shut _up_!” she cried as she crashed full-stop, tugging at the sheets. She swore and threw a hand over her mouth, muffling herself as hot tears sprang to her eyes. He growled as he tightened his grip and pumped his last thrusts before he flooded inside her. He dropped her legs and collapsed on top of her with a _thud_.

She whimpered beneath him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. He propped himself on top of her, looking down and searching for her expression in the darkness. Out of breath and amused, he could see that she was tripping on bliss but growing irate by the second.

He gave a lopsided smile. “What were you talkin’ about? What party?” he panted.

Harley sighed. “Why do you _always_ gotta do that?”

“Do wha _t_?” 

Harley grunted, and he cackled. “Only woman in Gotham who’ll tolerate you,” she huffed as he continued laughing.

“Think that _weed_ wanted a go a while back,” Joker said, calming down before bursting into another fit of giggles, “but I don’t want pesticide on my cock.”

“ _Oi_ ,” Harley said sharply as she slapped his arm.

“S-so, uh, what were you actually talkin’ about?” Joker asked resting his head against Harley’s shoulder, trying to steady his breathing.

“There’s a New Year’s Eve party happenin’ at Iceberg tonight,” Harley said simply.

Joker scrunched his nose. “Why the fuck would I want to go to Cobblepot’s playpen for New Year’s?”

“Don’t be like that,” Harley ran her nails against Joker’s back, scratching lightly, “Pam told me that everyone was gonna be there.”

“What if I don’t wan _t_ to _see_ everyone?” Joker snapped back childishly.

“Well, I _do_. Can’t we just drop in for an hour and then leave? What else are we gonna do, play Chinese checkers with the boys, drink tequila, and rob a deli?”

“And what’s _wrong_ with that? Doesn’t anyone appreciate _tradition_ anymore?” Joker retorted.

“We did that _last_ year, J. I wanna see people this year, c’mon.” She began to pick at a scab on his back.

Joker hissed. “What am I gonna get outta it, huh? I don’ _t_ wanna see anyone right now.”

“ _Why_?” Harley whined, her stomach pangs ringing through her.

“You _know_ how it _is_ , Harl. Gotta show face for these assholes, sing ‘n’ dance wit’em, and then they forget ya when they’re making their Big Plans.”

Harley grunted. “ _Jack_ , for the _love of God_ , don’ _t_ bullshit me right now. I’m hungry, I wanna go out, and I’m gonna throw you off in two minutes.”

“Yeah?” Joker quickly propped himself up, looking down at her again. “Didn’t I teach you some manners already?”

“ _Alright_ ,” she shoved him off as he rolled over with laughter. She stomped to the bathroom and slammed the door.


	3. Tres

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And-here-we-go!

Harley massaged her scalp with a thick, musk-scented lather as she washed her hair in the mildew-stained bathroom. The steam clouded the shower and hung in the air. She inhaled deeply and leaned into the stream of hot water as it thumped into the pressure points along her back. She began to doze but jumped, startled, when she heard the door open.

Joker shuffled in, his pinstripe pants hung loosely around his hips. He coughed dramatically when the steam rolling out of the shower caught in his throat. Harley suppressed a giggle and heard him turn on the faucet. He splashed ice water on his face and rubbed off what remained of his greasepaint. He mumbled something under his breath and patted his face with Harley’s towel hanging next to the shower. He pulled open the Tweety Bird shower curtain enough to poke his head through. 

“ _Ya know_ , I was thinking…” Joker started with a curious tilted of his head, watching Harley. “Maybe we could, uh, show u _p_ to this li _tt_ le thing after all.”

“Really?” Harley beamed as she lowered the water temperature and began to rinse her hair. “Ya mean it?”

“Ye _ah_ ,” Joker said, “Would be _good_ to see The _Bat_ man before ringing in the New Year.” He smiled broadly, his discolored teeth matching the mustard tiles lining the bathroom walls.

“I dunno about that,” Harley pouted, turning off the pipe. She stepped out of the shower, grabbing her towel and wrapping it around herself tightly as she stepped to the sink. “You really think he’d show?” she asked. Joker put down the toilet seat and sat, watching Harley as she prepared her face.

“I don’t see why he has to hide in his little cave tonigh _t_ when he could come play with his friends,” he singsonged. “Wouldn’t that be sweet?”

Harley giggled as she swiped a soaked cotton ball across her cheeks. “It would, Pud. Say, what should I wear?”

Joker shrugged and sucked on the inside of his cheek. “Where’s that dress that I got you a few weeks ago from Dino’s?”

“Ricky Baby has it,” Harley said, patting her face with serum.

Joker pulled a face. “Wha _t_? That was a three _thousand_ dolla’ dress. S’not about _money_ or anything like _that_ , but why the _fuck_ does Ricky Baby have it?”

“He was havin’ a breakdown, needed something to do,” Harley said absentmindedly as she dug through her makeup box.

“You know, I don’t _wanna_ know, I’ll deal with him later.”

“Leave ‘im alone, J,” Harley said as she began to curl her eyelashes. “He’s young. I don’t know why you went off recruiting a kid like that anyway.”

“ _Me_? What do you take me for, Harl? You think that I go snoopin’ for lost kiddies in the gutters and tell ‘em to put on clown masks and shoot up bodegas and rob banks in this goddamn city?” Joker said haughtily.

Harley didn’t flinch. “Yeah.”

“Well,” Joker shook his head, raising his brows and scratching the back of his neck, “you’re right, but that’s not the point.”

“Just go easy on ‘im, will ya? I don’t think that he’s a bad kid. He’s still probably got the dress somewhere,” Harley said as she began to apply her Bordeaux lipstick.

Joker hummed. “I’ll call him and José to drop us off tonight.”

“Sounds good, J,” Harley said, puckering her lips in the mirror.

They sat in silence as Harley quickly wrapped up her routine and finished her face, preparing to move onto her hair. “Wear that perfume that I got you, baby,” Joker said.

“Which one?” Harley asked as she began to dig through the cabinet behind the mirror.

“The one that I _like_ ,” he said pointedly as he crossed his arms across his naked chest.

“Oh, yeah, the cedar? I like that one, too,” she said pulled out the bottle, spraying it lightly along her collarbone.

Joker licked his lips and yawned. “I’m gonna get ready,” he stood up and stretched.

“Wait,” Harley said, turning to face him. “What do ya think? Too much?” she turned her face melodramatically, the fluorescent bathroom lights hitting her cheekbones at odd angles.

Joker furrowed his brows. “Now, Harley, you _know_ that I’m not good at this _sorta_ -“ he gestured with his hands for effect, “ _thing_.”

Harley shot him an incredulous look. “Says the guy who wears makeup every _single_ day, o- _kay_!“ she snapped, her voice raising an octave.

“Shushshush _shush_ , enough of that,” Joker said, annoyed. “Don’t start any of tha _t_ now.” He took a breath and held the bridge of his nose for several seconds before he said “You always look beau _tiful_ to me, Harley-girl.”

“Uh, _huh_. Ya don’t need _ta lie_ ta me,” she cocked her head to the side, “I know ya probably think I look like a pufferfish with a great ass,” Harley said pitifully, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Ya know, baby, even for a guy like _me_ , that’s fuckin’ weird. I’m gonna go get dressed.” Joker raised his hands in surrender and walked out of the bathroom. “But you _do_ have a great ass,” he called from the bedroom. Harley snorted as she kicked the door shut and pulled out her curling iron.

**Author's Note:**

> I live for your kudos and feedback! Stayed tuned for the next chapter, xo.


End file.
